Mama Told Me
Dizzy
with despair, I fought for each breath. Deep within my breast, a terrible,
throbbing ache replaced the gentle thump thump thump of a heart that,
just a moment before, had been innocently anticipating a joyful reunion. My
heart was broken, suddenly and without warning, and I was not sure how I was
going to endure the hurt. So this is what they mean by heartache, I
thought to myself with wonder.
I should have seen it coming! The
warnings were there all along, but I, in love, had ignored the signals, the
sign posts, the red, flashing lights which foretold the impending betrayal. I
had blithely closed my eyes to the inevitable, and now I was paying for it.
What was it my mother said to me? During
one of our infrequent late-night talks, Mom offered some advice. She
counseled... "Beware of anyone who accuses you of doing something you
would never do, would never dream of doing, and would never think of doing.
They are judging you by their own standards, and eventually, you will see that
they will do the very thing they accuse you of."
As she spoke, various acquaintances came
to mind. There was Joy. Sweet, loving Joy, who expected everyone to be gentle,
kind and honest. Karen, a person I avoided because of her tendency to take
whatever she liked, and thus always accused others of stealing. Bob, who would
tell a lie even if the truth were better, and believed that everyone was
dishonest. Yes, I thought, realizing the truth of my mother's words, Mom is
absolutely right!
Years later, however, wildly in love, my
heart filled with romantic fantasies, I somehow forgot my mother's wise words
of warning, and thought Terry was being romantic when he started accusing me of
seeing other men. Trustingly, lovingly, I assured him that I was as true and
loyal as any man could want. "Why would I see other men when I have the
man all women desire?" I would smile, give him a warm, sensuous kiss, and
dismiss the conversation as a sure sign that he was as in love as I.
I had always been a one-man woman.
Intrigue, evoking jealousy, playing one man against the other, never appealed
to me. Disliking games, I did not play them. I guess you can say I wore my
heart on my sleeve, but that was me; being honest and open suited me. The
thought of changing what was comfortable to my personal moral code never entered
my mind, so when Terry began his accusations, I took them at face value. I
believed he was afraid of losing a love as important to him as it was to me.
I remember – it was a Saturday. I rose
early because I had extra errands to run that day. I also decided to do
something I had previously never done: stop by Terry's house unannounced. The
night before, Terry had broken our usual Friday night date. His mother was ill,
he explained, and he wanted to spend the evening with her, get her any
groceries she may need, and make sure she ate a good dinner. I was proud of
Terry, anxious to see him and to inquire as to how his mother was doing. So, it
was with happy anticipation that I knocked on his door.
I never got her name. I remember that
she was beautiful, with long blonde hair. "Who are YOU?" she
demanded. I stood there, in shock, unable to speak at first, finally mumbling,
"I'm....I'm...Terry's girlfriend..."
A look of disdain crossed her lovely
features. Turning her head, and looking over her shoulder, she called,
"Terry! Here's another one!" Swiveling back, and looking me straight
in the eye, she smirked, "He does this all of the time. Join the club,
honey," and slammed the door.
At that moment, a searing pain filled my
heart, and remained there for a long, long time. I don't know how I made it
home. I only remember climbing the stairs to my room and falling upon my bed. Why
didn't I listen, Mom? I wailed to myself. Why? I learned my lesson.
To this day, I watch and pay attention to what people expect of others.
I remember my mother's
words, and use them as a compass in choosing those who will be a part of my
life, and those who will not. If a friend charges others with being too kind, I
embrace them; stealing, I guard my possessions; lying, I weigh their words;
betrayal, I observe them closely. And I have told my son, "Beware of
anyone who accuses you of doing something you would never do..."
Excerpt From Swinging Bridge
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